Gripping resentment into sunrise,
my wall fuels rage similar to a stabbed beast. It insists the urge to delete. That which would otherwise inspire, lately spirals, knotting the hairs on my ass to pinching.
I collapse my head, snapping my teeth in two. Every instance of love burns out basking in the light. The light cast by an insisting rage.
Another silence sweeps in.
Appreciative am I not for nothing follows with it. No thought or glimpse of the future. Played out like silent film, silence leaves me in a quandary or different realm.
What else to blame? God isn’t at fault, so don’t project his will as an evil intention. Be glad for the rain and the chaos it brings. It is welcomed at such a time. This damp visitation where the message is received with more joy than a silence would bring.
Between the silence and distraction is birth. We fuck how we choose and when. We overrate love and equate it to little things. Both moments wear the same mask. Closed mouths that shallow the breathe, and promote your will to be silent.
Holding them, I feel a little different.
I think about sending negative energy in to get it started.
Nothing yet though. Same feeling still here. A little easier now that I’ve begun to spew. How long it last depends on me though.
Still, I have faith in this stone. Power is its purpose. My beliefs justify the meaning. Maybe If I keep rubbing, chanting, doing my best, I’ll emerge with a smile. Perhaps some laughter.
Nope, nothing still. Same me is here enduring the hours as they slime away. Deep breathing and other remedies revert my ways. Friends keep saying, “it’s not that bad” or “imagine the opposite.” Yeah imagine that. Something about it seems freeing.
SMD: Social Media Disorder
Staring into my hand, frustration mounts as I contemplate the reasons why no one liked what I just said. Tried hard to sound clever just then! Went through great lengths to find that article, yet the post above and below draw more attention because it has fucking cats or some cerebrally sound image with clever text.
Am I depressed? Is this a sign of getting old and being set in my ways: by that I mean, not wanting to work harder? It’s the devil. We’re taught in church that Lucifer, Gods first and favorite angel, wanted the glory of Gods creation, us. God didn’t like that and sent him down here to earth or hell-whichever. Religious or not, I feel an overwhelming desire for attention, but for all the wrong reasons.
There’s to much to keep up with. Following and liking seems like second nature, so much so that i dont know if I really liked what I said I did. Just seems like what i have to do to stay relevant. At this point, as much as I love the people in my life, I don’t think it’s my place to know what they’re doing all the time, especially since its always something that seems 10times more positive, exciting and expensive. Jealousy, envy and sometimes resentment, but I’m scared too.
I’m just scared.